I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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