im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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