Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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