I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
