i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize