i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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