Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
