in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
