i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
