Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
