Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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