Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
