youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
