Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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