i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
