I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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