i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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