Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
