I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
