Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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