sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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