you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
