I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
