My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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