I've blown a few things in my day
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
