peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
