I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
