the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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