I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
