I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
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