I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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