I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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