I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
