Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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