dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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