he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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