Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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