you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
