the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
