I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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