Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
