i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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