just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
