I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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