When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize