I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
