Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
