I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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