You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
