whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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