at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As shirtless as possible
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
