why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
