he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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