Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im six kinds of drunk right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you traded sex for a burrito?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
