the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
organizing the empties. That sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
